Hey, Bvlgari Mon Jasmin Noir. Armani called. They want Idole d’Armani back. Wait — hold the phone! It’s Estée Lauder. They’re demanding their Sensuous Noir. Now all the lines are ringing, and it looks like it’s a bunch of celebuscents. They’re complaining you stole their jasmine-plum-sandalwood-patchouli secret formula!
O.K., maybe I’m not being fair. After all, I chucked my sample of Idole d’Armani in the garbage a long time ago, and it’s been months since I smelled Sensuous Noir, and that was on a hot day in a mall in Billings, Montana. And the celebuscents? I really try not to be a snob, but if Robin doesn’t give them the green light in a review, I mostly stay away.
I also admit to having a misguided fantasy about how perfumers work. In my dream world, a perfumer — let’s say Sophie Labbé, who had a hand in both Bvlgari Jasmin Noir and Mon Jasmin Noir — pushes open her casement window. She inhales the summer breeze of Grasse, France, and asks herself, “What work of art will I make today? Bvlgari, a luxury company, has asked me to create a light fragrance based on jasmine as a flanker to Jasmin Noir. I know, I’ll devise a fragrance that evokes the sensual languor of an evening in the Mediterranean, but is airy enough — like a long ago, romantic memory — to be enjoyed during the day.” Labbé hears a rustling nearby. “Olivier, is that you?”
Olivier Polge, the other perfumer credited with Mon Jasmin Noir, answers from the office next door, where he is also enjoying the fragrant morning. He tosses his cigarette in the bushes before responding. “Yes, Sophie. I was just thinking of the magnificent chef d’oeuvre we will create with Mon Jasmin Noir. It will sparkle! It will seduce! It will be à la fois a heartbreaking rendering of jasmine, yet a new way of perceiving this magnificent flower.” He plucks a jasmine blossom and lifts it to his nose. “Most of all, it will appeal to the Asian market.” Then, of course, they repair to their charming 19th-century workshop where they’re surrounded by apothecary vials of rare essences and Bvlgari accountants throwing handfuls of hundred euro banknotes at them.
My guess is the truth has less to do with art than it does with office buildings, computers, nervous interns, and sales projections. In Women’s Wear Daily, Francesco Trapani, chief executive officer of Bulgari Group, estimated Mon Jasmin Noir would “hit around 20,000 doors its first year.” WWD also reported “industry sources” estimating Mon Jasmin Noir could earn in excess of $40 million in wholesale sales its first year. All this and the fragrance had barely hit the market.
With so much riding on the bottom line, what’s a perfumer to do? Go with the tried and true, that’s what. Right now a blockbuster fragrance seems to equal — in the executive decision maker’s mind, at least — assertive white flower plus sticky purple fruit plus patchouli plus sweet wood. In Bvlgari’s marketing, the formula is “lily of the valley, sambac jasmine, musky nougatine, and vibrant wood”.
On skin, Mon Jasmin Noir smells briefly of mandarin orange, before plunging into an olfactory disco of plum and jasmine. This is a disco where melon and berry margaritas have spilled from their plastic cups to make a sticky mess on the floor. The bass beat of synthetic wood and jasmine mixed with fruit has you grasping for the wall, wondering if you can get a taxi at this late hour. You see a Kardashian throwing up in a corner, narrowing missing her Jimmy Choos. “Fresh air!” you cry, “Please, a spray of Guerlain Eau de Cologne Impériale or, heck, even Revlon Jean Naté!”
Mon Jasmin Noir is only slightly lighter than Jasmin Noir. It’s much fruitier, though, more jasmine-y, and less sweet with sandalwood. But even if you’re a fan of Jasmin Noir, think twice before buying Mon Jasmin Noir unsniffed unless you’re a confirmed fruit lover. As Mon Jasmin Noir wears, it eventually just sort of peters out. It never turns woody-musky or overly patchoulied, but just fades away. After six hours or so, that is.
Bvlgari Mon Jasmin Noir Eau de Parfum comes in a 75-ml bottle ($105) and 50 ml ($80). For information on where to buy it, see Bvlgari under Perfume Houses.
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“It will sparkle! It will seduce! It will be à la fois a heartbreaking rendering of jasmine, yet a new way of perceiving this magnificent flower.” He plucks a jasmine blossom and lifts it to his nose. “Most of all, it will appeal to the Asian market.””
LOL
A little perfume humor for you, there….
A little perfume humor?? This was a LOT of perfume humor and I loved it! Thank you.
Too bad this is a disgusting mess because for some reason the combination of jasmine, plum, patchouli and sandalwood actually sounds good to me, but I’m thinking plum/patchouli a la Voleur de Roses, NOT a mess of fruit drink vomit spewed all over the floor!
Oh, if only it were at all like Voleur des Roses, this would have been a whole different review!
ROTFL, as they say. I think you’ve just about nailed it! And such wonderful things to come, with the LVMH acquisition and all.
I know–not very promising, sadly.
Without having any inside knowledge, I imagine the process is more like this.
Fragrance line exec determines a declining line of sales (or the marketing whole for the next year’s mothers day sale) means that it is time to “freshen up” the line with a NEW something to advertise.
The distribution channel is mid-level-high department stores and specialty shops, but not ultra boutiques. (i.e. the Macy’s Kingdom, Sephora etc.) Price point analysis indicates the bottle should be position at around X dollars=Y euros= Z Yen, and the lines tradition (and market positioning) requires a good sculptural (but not lead crystal) bottle. Therefore the juice should cost about X- probable bottle costs.
Jasmine’s are hot, so build upon the Jasmine line.
Okay Noses, got all that? Within your price point, and “jasmine” concept, go build a flanker. Submit an early formulation for sampling by ____date, so we can go into production with the final by _____.
Sadly, I bet you’re right. Have you read Chandler Burr’s “The Perfect Scent”? He gives a fascinating look at the whole perfume development process.
Not yet.
I should add that I like the BVLGARI line.
By the way, the model looks like a incredibly photoshopped blonde (i.e., lightened) substitute for Julienne Moore. In fact, the model is so photoshopped that even Ingres would find her arm absurd.
Ingres (French painter known for his incredible rich colors and beautiful portraits which sometimes featured poses in which the arms in biologically impossible positions).
I think the model is a famous actress–although I’m so out of the loop that “famous” won’t ring any bells with me unless she’s Elizabeth Taylor or someone like that.
Selling the perfume with a real Ingres as the marketing image would be genius, though!
Is that Kirstin Dunst? That’s who I thought it was at first glance. Not sure though. These days anyone can be photoshopped to look like anyone else.
Yes! That’s who it is. You just jogged my memory.
I knew it was Kirsten Dunst from the pre-publicity, but I had to rack my brain to remember from that photo. Sure doesn’t look like her. What’s the point of hiring someone with a famous face, then making her unrecognisable? A waste of money, IMO.
Good point. She could be any generic, blond starlet in the ad..
Loved. This. Review. LMAO.
“A Kardashian throwing up in the corner, narrowly missing her Choo’s”. Made of eleven kinds of win.
Chucked your perfume sample?!? Um, Angela, if your fingers ever get itchy for sample-garbage chuckin’, all ya gotta do is drop me a line and I’ll take them off your hands. My sample shoebox could always use some refilling.
I actually sniffed Jasmin Noir, not Mon Noir (or whatever it is), the other day and brought home a sample from Sephora. Haven’t worn it yet, but I hope it’s at least a little better than you let on. You perfume vets probably have way more experience, and therefore more discriminating tastes, with the higher end stuff than I do, so if you say it’s not that great, then, well, I guess one sample is all I’ll have.
Jasmin Noir has plenty of fans out there, so don’t give up on it yet! It’s a rich wood-jasmine to my nose, although rather less jasmine than wood. Mon Jasmin Noir is a lot fruitier to me.
Actually, I know several regular commenters who like JN. It’s not for me, but it was a long way from awful, I thought.
I know some Jasmin Noir fans, too. It wasn’t the right one for me, but I can see why people like it.
Jasmin Noir was another one of those things I considered buying on my vacation, because it wasn’t awful. Glad I noticed the Ferre 20 instead, though. I’m very happy with it.
I’ve always been surprised at how much I’ve liked the Ferres–almost any of them.
Don’t like the stuffed lion in the background either. Animals shouldn’t be used to sell perfume like that, IMHO.
Really, if they wanted to use a cat to sell perfume, they should use my cat, Mae West. They could do a close up of her when she’s in her kitty hypnosis trance. People would be helpless against it.
is it stuffed, or photoshopped in?
Let’s hope it’s photoshop!
100% Photoshopped. They probably got the stock picture of the lion from a catalog, then copy/pasted the model in afterwards. They actually did a terrible job, geez.
At least she’s not holding a ham or something that would overly stimulate the lion. Although the lion looks pretty placid to me.
a ham might over stimulate ME—it’d be the best thing about this ad…at least a ham would make me think of dinner…
Looks awfully hammy to me.
i really had to laugh at the thought of accountants throwing hundred Euro bills around LOL
In dreams only!
Love the review, as always, Angela! The fragrance, probably not so much.
It might be a little fruity for you. At least, it is for me. But that’s o.k.–there’s plenty more out there…
Angela, OMG, I am DYING here! I haven’t been reading or posting with any regularity and I’m so glad I picked today to stop back in. Your writing is so evocative, and honestly, I’m absolutely jealous of your talent! Your writing sparkled when you were in Paris some months ago and relating that trip to us, and the review today placed me perfectly in the 19th century apothecary and also in the disco, clutching the walls and stepping in sticky stuff. There are a lot of great lines in here, and I’m particularly digging “assertive white flower plus sticky purple fruit plus patchouli plus sweet wood.” Thanks so much for sharing your talent with us!
I’m so glad you enjoyed it! Your compliment has made my day.
I was finally able to try this last week, and I did like it though I though it was a little too patchouli-ish for spring. I actually don’t get much floral from this at all, but it is a nicely cozy scent. Still, not the jasmine I was looking for. BTW, my cat, Maggie (who’s lent me her name) loves most perfumes and purrs and rubs her head on the ones she really likes. She should be in an ad….
It sounds like you didn’t have as strong a reaction to it as I did–which is good for you!
Maybe our cats should team up on an ad. We need an agent.
I desperately want to like another Bvlgari besides Bleu so I can get one of those adorable little jewel-like bottles they just came out with. Seems I am fairly anosmic to much of the line, the Omnias in particular. Jasmin Noir is one that I spray almost every time I see it but it barely registers. I’ll try this one, but hopes are not high.
Loved your review, as always. For once you did not create a lemming for some unattainable thing…
Try the original The Vert, if you can find it.
I think this was the original green tea scent.
I do love the shapes of the Bvlgari bottles. I think my favorites of the line are Thé Vert, Omnia, and Black.
Black has a great bottle, like a rubber tire. It smells kind of like a rubber tire as well, although in a fun kind of way. (I imagine some marketing expert asking for a perfume for the NASCAR kind of guy.).
Add a little beer scent and some funyuns, and you’ve got something there!
Yes, I believe what you’ve got then is me, running out of the room.
I have a hunch you’ll have company, too.
Petits et Mamans is a lovely daytime scent too.
That didn’t land in the right place! Beer and funyuns – maybe not great daytime scents!
They don’t sound that great to me, either! Maybe we should just let the original Bvlgari Black stay the way it is.
I haven’t tried that one yet! I’ll look for it.
A few years ago, there was a series of promotions here at one of the department stores in the newer mall featuring the Bvlgari “tea” scents. They had them listed as:
Black=Lapsang Souchong Tea
Green Tea=Classic Green Tea with Citrus
White Tea=Light Tea Fragrance (because that’s apparently all they knew about white tea, in spite of being a short distance up the hall from a Teavana)
Red Tea=Warm and Hearty Rooibos with Citrus
Petit et Mamans=Camomile Tea and Baby Powder
For what it’s worth, thier fragrance department was run by idiots. But I’ve seen PeM listed as a chamomile scent elsewhere too.
I didn’t even realize it was a Bvlgari scent. And I’ve definitely never had lapsang souchong that tasted like Black smells.
Tama: I have the same problem with the Bulgari line – aside from Black which I can smell just fine – most of the regular floral line that is in that style bottle don’t smell right to me. And not I just don’t like it right, but there is something missing not right. I believe I am anosmic to the base musks they use. Jasmine Noir was a complete train wreck to my nose. I’ve not bothered to smell the Omnia ones, even though I should.
I’ve heard more than one person say they’re anosmic to something in some of the Bvlgaris. Your theory about the musks sounds good to me.
Hm, maybe that’s my issue. Most of the line just has a terribly synthetic/plastic smell to me.
I feel like I’ve heard more people say they have trouble “getting” the full range of some of the Bvlgari fragrances than I’ve heard about any other line. I don’t know if it’s just a certain type of their fragrances–the tea fragrances, for instance–or what. But something seems to be going on.
There are two Bulgari fragrances that are favorites of mine: the original Omnia and Jasmin Noir [yes, I'm one of the fans here]. This flanker sounds sure to disappoint, as most of the Omnia flankers have. Isn’t that a shame? And for anyone interested – that is Kirsten Dunst in that silly, nonsensical ad photoshopped within an inch of her life.
Omnia was a good one. I never have bought a bottle, but I’ve hesitated over it many a time.
Thanks for confirming it’s Kirsten Dunst!
I recently grabbed a bottle of Omnia @ Marshall’s for $29.99 – because I had to at that price – would have been ridiculous not to! I should have bought two cause they had a whole pile of them and there were none left the following week. I strongly dislike that bottle though. It’s impossible to decant from.
Great deal! I agree about the bottle. It looks good, but functionally it’s a disaster.
Angela, thank you for the smiles and for the warning.
You’re welcome!
Laughing merrily all the way through this. It sounds like it met my expectations.
No need to make a special trip to the mall for this one.
You made my day, I grinned through the entire review!
I received EL Sensuous Noir for Xmas and really enjoy it but this sounds like a different breed of test marketing all together.
Loved the bit about the Kardashian in the corner and needing fresh air – reminds me of too many elevator rides in the 80′s.
Ugh. What an elevator ride that would be!
I’m starting to wonder if the Asian market isn’t the perfumery El Dorado. Hm.
Definitely a funny review, perhaps more than the perfume deserves. Fruit is not my favorite.
No kidding about El Dorado. The Asian market must eat up a lot of perfume.
Fruit can be tough to make work. Currant in Chamade? Heaven. Plum in this one? Not so much.
Well, if you consider that 2/3 of the world’s population lives in Asia, that is a lot of potential customers.
And growing more prosperous–at least in some parts of Asia–by the moment.
Voleur des Roses? The one by L’Artisan? You can have mine. I don’t get it. Anyway, maybe that’s not the one you were speaking of. ANYWAY, my question is: what in tarnation were you doing in Billings, in the godforsaken mall, no less? Billings is near where I live, and, to my knowledge, no perfumistas have ever graced us within 500 miles of around here. It’s all Flowerbomb and Bath and Body Works. Is there a good story here? Were you shipwrecked? Dropped out of a plane? Kidnapped? No willing soul purposely comes to Billings itself; they land, briefly, holding their breath, and then take off for Bozeman.
BTW–Kick ASS review! I tip my kudos to you! Fabulous comic writing. And I should know–I got a worthless degree in such antics. (not from Billngs) A gustatory pleasure (I just wanted to type that word, not that it works) to see someone with flair in their pen.
Mough – was this in response to my comment about VdR?? Yes, I was referring to the one by L’Artisan. Please email me at rappleyea11 at yahoo dot com and we’ll arrange something.
BTW, you certainly gave Angela a run for her comic money with your comments! You had me ROTFL.
My dad lives in Billings–my sister and niece, too. Besides family, my Billings highlights are (1) the Western Pawn Shop and Bail Bonds (got a terrific turquoise and carnelian ring there); (2) the downtown vintage clothing store (lilac colored 1930s dressing gown with lucite buttons, worthy of Myrna Loy, and cheap); and (3) the Muzzleloader diner.
I’m glad you enjoyed the review! I think the mention of “ham” above triggered “gustatory”.
OOOPS. Sorry, didn’t realize your family lived there. Hoof in mouth. Maybe it’s because I’ve lived here so long that the frontier gibberish style of it just has lost its charm. I need to look at it with fresh eyes. Heck, if you come out to visit, let me know and maybe I could buy you a drink down at the Waterin’ Hole, make up for my insultin’ the town. Actually, where I live is even further from culture: the land of the Jack-a-lope and Turd-Bird.
Oh, don’t feel bad! The family who ended up there all want to leave. If I do visit anytime soon, though, I’d love to see the inside of that waterin’ hole with you.
Just let me know!
Ha! My father went to high school in Billings, and even he couldn’t muster much nostalgia for it. He went to college in Missoula, which he greatly preferred. My mother (a Bozeman girl) didn’t see any point to living on the prairie – when she left the mountains it was to live in a big city (Chicago) and then to live by the coast in San Francisco.
Both Bozeman and Missoula seem like pretty great towns, but Chicago and San Fransisco are in a whole different league!
Indeed. And my mother was a major clothes horse in her day (post WWII and the ’50s), so you can imagine how she loved shopping in those two cities.
…sensual languor of an evening in the Mediterranean, but is airy enough —to be enjoyed during the day… with lions….
the very rare Mediterranean Lion? what, is he French? he doesn’t look French…. seriously: I don’t get the lion…why in the world is there a lion? clearly these people need to read that article about fragrances and the big cats at the zoo….and poor photoshopped Kirsten sitting there with only a large bottle of perfume…and a scarf (?) for protection.
I’ve never sniffed Jasmin Noir….but this…this is wildly unappealing. I’ve become quite sick of fruit-choulis.
*with or without lions* ….or ham.
Or, if there were some kind of animalic aspect to the perfume, then MAYBE lions. But no. Apparently Kirsten’s ham was hidden in her clothes, and the lions ripped them off to get to it.
Kristen Dunst is an unusual choice – I thought she was more like a braless hippie So-Cal type? I can’t imagine her all dolled up like that – it seems unnatural. And the lion is ridiculous.
She does seem an odd choice. Maybe she’s popular in Asia?
Maybe lions are popular in Asia…
That must be it!
Being a sea, Meditarrana is surronded by many countries! When you say Mediterrana , it does not mean only France, Spain, Italy and Greece….There is also Algeria, Morocco, Tunisia, Egypt, Libia…This part of the world is also Mediterranian…And there are lions in north Africa, you know….
Your list of countries brings all kinds of beautiful images to mind. Now I’m longing to pack up a suitcase and travel.
Angela – your review is classic super fun. I didn’t care for the original JN – something wrong with the musks to my nose. So I won’t bother testing this one either. I’m sure there is something better floating around I could smell.
I’m sure there are LOTS of great things floating around out there you could smell.
I received a sample of this from Nordstrom. To my untrained nose it’s dominated by that generic perfume scent that I don’t like that I’ve smelled in dozens of perfumes. I wonder what note that is? I don’t smell anything fruity.
I wonder if it’s the white flower-purple fruit-patchouli-wood combo that joins together to make “generic perfume smell” for you? Whatever it is, it’s telling that the perfume doesn’t stand out from the rest for you.
This was wonderful! So funny! I like the Bulgari bottle shapes, but there are too many and the name print is too small. I always get them mixed up and grab the wrong one when I want to give a friend a sniff of Bulgari Pour Femme. (I’ve done several impromptu whirlwind department store perfume tours that usually leave friends clutching a handful of scent strips dazedly. I’m learning to slow down.)
I’ve dazed many a friend, too, by running around spraying perfume on strips so I sympathize!
Phew! Now I imagine the mighty lion from the ad throwing up in a corner and being consequently rejected by Mrs Lioness for cheating on her with a stray flea-ridden old lioness of doubtful morals and really, really bad taste.
Dearest Angela, why have you reviewed this fragrance? Most of your reviews are better than the fragrance itself, but then most of your picks at least make some honest effort to raise up to your skill. This one doesn’t seem to …
I experienced something similar, with slightly different notes, while testing Flora fresh the other day. Wonder which of you will do that one
Robin asked me to review this one–she’s anosmic to something in Jasmin Noir. She reviews a lot of mediocre at best fragrances, so the least I can do is take one for the team!
Nobly done, Angela.
Reading this review I was completely oblivious to the actual fragrance being evaluated – I was totally absorbed in the prose. What a lovely article to read on a languid Saturday afternoon Angela!
It’s already Saturday afternoon where you are? I’m just getting ready for a bath and then to bed Friday night. I’m glad you enjoyed the review!
Oh it really made my day that day!
And of course you were absolutely right in your review – it was every bit as horrible when I smelled it instore.
I’m sorry! There are so many fragrances in that vein out there right now. Ugh.
I have to say I sampled it today and found it quite a positive surprise. It is a beautiful perfume , perfect, I think , for a luminous , happy woman of any age. I find it elegant and easy to remember, with a delicious bonbon note in it ( probably the nougat).
Although I dislike K.Dunst and would’t plan on buying a perfume with her face, I see nothing abnormal in the arm position of the poster try to mimic it. I see nothing strange …
I’m glad you like the perfume! It’s always nice to discover something you like to wear, especially when it’s at a department store and not somewhere you have to special order it.
Hi Angela, kudos on this review – it’s hilarious and I couldn’t made my morning – even though I actually LIKED this perfume and bought it yesterday! That Kardashian description sounds just like my reaction to regular Jasmine Noir, which I’ve always considered a crime against my innocent little nose.
Mon Jasmine Noir, on the other hand, is actually wearable for me. I find that the patchouli and purple fruit smell temper the jasmine so that I’m wearing it instead of letting it wear me.
Anyway, you’re a fantastic writer and thank you for the morning giggles
Oops, instead of “…it’s hilarious and I couldn’t made my morning…” I meant “it’s hilarious and it made my morning”
I’m so glad you liked the review–and the perfume!
Am I the only one that loves this fragrance? Lol. Although I have to say it got a raving review by Octavian at 1000 fragrances and it is selling like crazy where I live. I love jasmine but I have to be careful with it, many combinations make me feel really sick but not this one.
I loved Jasmin Noir but that made me want to throw up and gave me a horrid headache. I think this one is perfect; very jasminey yes but the combo with musks and lighter, fresher notes make it wearable and not nauseating, very feminine and luxurious, also sensuous, just my type of a fragrance. I do find it a tadbit similar to the Elie Saab you and I both loved Angela, so I find it interesting that we differ on this one.
There are so many tacky scents out there right now but this one is very classy IMHO.
I’m glad you like it! Clearly you are far from alone, too. This will be a nice one for springtime for you.
Thanks Angela, lol. I am so sorry you have to throw up from it though:))). Well, you know I like this for winter, it is very warm on me, sort of woody-musky and perhaps I love it in part because the top note has lily of the valley which I adore. I also like Diorissimo (I have the vintage version) at times in the winter, maybe I have strange taste:))) It is the Elie Saab I am not wearing right now because it has been so dark around here I think that one really needs a bright day even if cold. Guess we have different perceptions of different fragrances, that is what makes it fun.
You’ve convinced me. I’m going to try this one again tomorrow morning when I have fresh skin. It’s been too long since I’ve worn it, and I can barely remember it now.
Lol, well, thanks but do not blame me if it does not go well:))) You know it is interesting because on some days I may love a fragrance and then other days I cannot stand it. I think as many things with women it largely depends on hormones. That was my experience with Midnight Poison, I was intrigued by it the first time I smelled it (it was the elixir), the next time I smelled it I almost threw up. I now make sure to test things several days and not necessarily in a row, in fact better if time passes in between. Let me know how it goes.