Recently, I was worried I had run out of ways to review mediocre, smell-alike mainstream men’s fragrances. Should I continue to tax my imagination and keep thumbing through Roget’s Thesaurus for new ways to say a fragrance is “dull,” “insipid,” “typical,” etc., or should I simply ignore boring new releases? I jokingly said to Robin here at Now Smell This that we should create a ‘review form’ for such scents; it would make reviewing so much easier. Of course, a perfume blog can’t ignore new releases and I can’t use a review form over and over again without becoming a bore myself, but just this once…
Mainstream Fragrance Review Form/Category: Men’s “Fresh”/Sport
The Givens:
— Artificial-smelling ingredients
— The perfume develops rapidly; excellent lasting power/annoying sillage
— Contains persistent marine and/or ozonic “fresh” fragrance notes
— Metallic citrus opening; slightly “spicy”, mildly “floral” middle; and woody dry down; all fragrance notes are “generic,” “nondescript”
The Specifics (fill in parentheses):
Fragrance Name: (HUGO BOSS PURE), released in (2008) and created by (P&G FRAGRANCE SCIENTIST WILL ANDREWS & IFF). Contains (FIG WATER, CITRUS, LILY, HYACYNTH, MASSOIA WOOD). This is a (FRESH MARINE-SPORTY) men’s fragrance. This cologne reminds me of (TOO MANY TO MENTION).
Optional: Advertising/Packaging Comment
MARINE-SPORT fragrances usually have BLUE JUICE or come packaged in BLUE BOTTLES — to represent “water”; ads often incorporate a half-naked male model engaged in a SPORTING ACTIVITY. HUGO BOSS PURE does not stray from this tried(tired)-and-true formula: BLUE JUICE/MODEL SWIMMING/DIVING.
“Chestnut” Corner/Choose One (rephrase creatively if possible):
“I’m tired of marine/water notes in men’s fragrances.”
“As we all know, ozonic notes have been overused and, to me, smell dated….”
“Don’t we have enough ‘fresh’ colognes for men on the market?”
“If I have to review another fragrance like this I’m going to #$%*-ing shoot myself!”
Free Space/Reviewer’s Choice (optional comment section):
While reading about the Boss Pure launch in a Women’s Wear Daily article, several quotes and bits of information interested me. P&G Prestige Products’ president and CEO said his company plans on taking “an aggressive stance to make this fragrance a success.” ‘Fresh’ men’s fragrances are aggressive enough on their own, a veritable scented army of lockstep-marching clones — and don’t we have enough fragrance companies sticking their tongues out at (and ‘punching’ the noses of) consumers? Back off Hugo Boss!
What really upset me was the statement by P&G that the “’fresh’ olfactory segment” makes up “45 percent of the men’s scent business.” If I have to review another fragrance like this I’m going to #$%*-ing shoot myself!
Hugo Boss Pure Eau de Toilette is available in 50 ml ($49) or 75 ml ($65); free samples are available (while supplies last) at bossfragrances.
33 Comments
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LOL Kevin ! !
Marianne: I assume the accent was 100% American.
That's the funniest review I've read in ages.
Everytime I put an order in with Boots they send me about 5 samples of the stuff just to hammer home that they're the exclusive UK stockist. I almost dread opening my pacakages for fear of how many more they'll have sent.
Ha. It's like adlibs. Name five nouns, five adverbs, five adjectives, and five verbs.
IngestedKitten: TRUE…the samples I seem to get are either for women are “the latest” dull men's scent…never good stuff.
megank4: YES.
Joe: I always take requests…but will the perfumes still be in production when I get around to reviewing them? HA!
That is what happens when a fragrance is market tested to death. … Hilarious review, Kevin. I really laughed out loud reading. Thanks for that.
V: you're welcome!
All these scents are kind of perky & corporate. Like the kind of frag that barbershop-quartet-singing Cornell grad on “The Office” might wear. As far as how to describe them–how about “man-perky”?
Kevin, you're a man after my own heart.
I look at the fragrance shelves in stores and despair of ever finding something mainstream which doesn't open with another “zesty, fresh citrussy” opening before waving cheerily at the briefest heart notes in history, before leaping into a Porsche, stomping on the loud pedal and accelerating into the basenotes before the “fragrance” has even dried onto the skin.
The problem you see is that 90+% of the general public buy a fragrance based on the first ten seconds on their skin in a store or a fragrance strip. What that means then is that the mainstream manufacturers have to both play safe and grab the money in the first 20 seconds (hence the rush into the basenotes).
I look at the Calvin Kleins, the Boss's etc and just roll my eyes in resignation.
Great review Kevin. Keep on sticking it to them.
mirandajane: Man Perky works for me.
HDS1963: I'll keep ranting but since I'm not their TARGET I'm howling in the wilderness.
I don't even know why they bother giving alot of them different names they should all just pay Davidoff Royalties and franchise the fragrances and call them something like Cool Water 20032…HA! Great as always sir K
GKnight: GOOD ONE…and true.
Dear Kevin,
Thanks for this wonderful review.
You have reflected my exact sentiments about the generic male fragrance industry and the reasons why I personally never bother sampling nor purchasing any male fragrance that is coloured blue or in a blue bottle with said sporty wet, nude, buff model.
For years now, I have seriously shunned these fragrances and the Sales Assistants at department stores who constantly try to sell me the “fresh and sporty” ozonic aspects of such annoying offerings in boring bottles, coloured blue or in a blue-themed bottle/package, featuring a buff, unshaven, sporty, nude or semi-nude model usually in water, with water droplets and sand on unusually-tan, shaven chests with the sun and sea-spray in their long, unruly hair and occasionally featuring a watercraft of some sort!
I suppose the marketing departments of such perfume houses think that the way to a heterosexual male's perfume wardrobe is to sell them or their female partners who buy their fragrances a smell that says 'manly', hetero, normal, boring, secure.
No florals or sexy musks nor complex themes here; just eau de bore.
It all began decades ago with Davidoff's “Cool Water” and now it's multiple flankers.
I can list a very long string of current new releases, but why bother when you can literally spot these generic copycats as soon as you enter the fragrance section of any department store.
Thanks again for being so perceptively brave about reviewing such a major fragrance market.
I totally agree with you!
desmondorama: isn't it sad that this dull segment accounts for almost HALF of men's fragrances? Awful.
Kevin, I think I love you! That is just hilarious, and all too true!
Amen. Thanks Kevin.
Why for haven's sake does “fresh” have to mean metallic/ozonic/marine? You can get something from this category with a decent structure and “excellent lasting power” for some small change, e.g. any drugstore chain's house-branded/no-name aftershave (in the UK try the Boot's Essentials Range, in Germany you can get used to Rossmann's “Cerrus fresh”).
But I ask anyone please to not get tempted to inveigh against fresh citrus openings. It's not the citrus' fault these scents mess it all up.
Loved the review! I actually like the bottle; specifically, the color blue on the back… reminds me of early Calvin Klein clothing when he introduced new colors into the American wardrobe. The juice itself is numbingly average; on me it dries to a soap accord. Strong soap.
What a fun review! though I must admit, I would rather nearly half the populace smell like a dull “fresh” fragrance than a fruity-floral.
I never try marine-ozone fragrances and then I wonder, am I missing something great? Then I remember that I haven't tried Vega or vintage Cravache or Lancome Cuir or two of the Guerlain Eaus or … and I move on. So thank you for taking one for the team, Kevin.
To be loved by FLORA is an honor for a perfume lover like myself…thank you.
Lars: I know what you mean…I want to use the FRESH word often in descriptions of scents but fear people will think I'm talkin' “OZONE” or “MARINE”
bartamy: and I wouldn't even buy the soap!
Monkeytoe: I wish the 48 percent of men who wear these fresh things would instead invest in a big bar of Vetiver Extraordinaire soap and “wear” that! HA!
*howling with laughter*
The heart-breaking thing is that the gentlemen at my university all wear such fragrances and deem themselves well-dressed, while I conclude from across the room that here is another fellow who hasn't figured out what his nose is for quite yet. I'm doing my part by taking Mitsouko, the Incense series, and Passage d'Enfer around the place, but it's like splashing pigs with rose water, nobody seems to heed. The least they could do would be to learn from better scents!
arantzain: you're doing your part for a sweeter-smelling world, K
Kevin, after so much hardship I virtually send you many many spritzes of Andy Tauers 'L'air du desert marocain' I am sure that L'air du desert marocain will spritz all the crap right out of your system !! This is so good, maybe the best fragrance for men (and women) I have ever smelled.
thank you Marianne! I DO like that perfume. PS: I'm reviewing a German perfume this week … one you've probably smelled a zillion times….
Kevin, you have my attention
!!
Thank you for an extremely entertaining review. I share your frustrations with the contemporary offerings for men's fragrances.
Sitting here on a warm, moist, summer evening, I have to say I find some merit in the dry-down on this fast developing and rather simple scent. Sort of the same way I like a nice scented bar of soap. The elusive “airy” topnotes (any middle notes out there?) did nothing for me. An hour later, I was searching around the kitchen for the cilantro- and there it was, on my wrist! Actually, it's more of a soapy coriander than a fresh cilantro. The drydown is linear, long-lasting, and perfectly enjoyable with the $5/bottle of “Synergy Blanc white meritage” I am drinking in front of the fan….FYI, this is from a woman.
I recently threw myself into the world of designer fragrances, and let me say, it was a hell of a sensory barrage. Being my inception into this world, I am not nearly as critical of run-of-the-mill scents as most of you. Having said that, you don't have to own a cow to know manure when you smell it.
This fragrance was pleasant to both my wife and I when whiffed from a stick, but I made the mistake of buying it before trying it on. Once applied, it makes me nauseous as it most closely resembles cologne you could find at Everything $.99 in a 10 gallon drum. Only more expensive.